Shot shit

If I worked with the public on a regular basis, I’d wind up in jail. I simply don’t have the ability to suffer fools, gladly or otherwise. I know my [many] limits, and I am fortunate to be able to work—sans others—90% of the time.

However, I do expect that those who work in customer service positions possess a modicum of manners. My standards for that are pretty low. All I want is a greeting at the start of a transaction and a cursory "thank you" when it ends.

Here's an example of how my system should not work. Last week, a friend told me she waited at the reception counter of a doctor’s office for a full three minutes while the secretary ignored her until the clock struck eight and office hours officially began. When my friend spoke up, the secretary reprimanded her quite nastily for not having said good morning.

I, too, have encountered many an asshole in doctor’s offices. In fact, I have been encountering one particular asshole for 11 years, at my allergist’s office. Sometimes I luck out and he is being rude to another patient, so I get another, slightly more pleasant shot-giver. But more often than not, he’s the one who inoculates me.

In my mind, I refer to him as Mr. Happy because of his overbearing friendliness and pure joie de vivre. Here’s how a typical encounter between us goes.

Me: Hi. How are you?
Him: Last shot okay?
Me: Yep.
Him: Left arm today.

He gives me the shot, to which I reply, “Thanks.” To which he replies...nothing. No “You’re welcome.” No “Shove your thanks up your hindquarters.” Nothing. It makes me want to grab every needle in the place, hold them in my fist and stab the shit out of his eyes and tongue. Instead, I merely leave the office, pissed off every time.

Sure, I reported him once. “Well, his sense of humor isn’t everyone’s cup of tea” was the customer-is-always-right answer I got.

Worse yet, the prick told on me. I'm supposed to wait 20 minutes after I get my immunization to make sure I don’t die. I’m an impatient patient, so I never wait. I used to, at first, but after two years, I figured I was safe. Or maybe I entered a new decade of depression and stopped caring if I died. I don’t really remember how it began, but I quit waiting. Now, after nine years, Mr. Happy suddenly decided to spill the beans.

So, when I showed up at the office today, a substitute shot-giver started lecturing me about the importance of waiting. She wouldn’t part with the goods until I said, “I will wait in the office for 20 minutes after my shot.” Fine, I thought, I’ll say your stupid little pledge, but I’m not staying. So I got my shot and left immediately.

I swear I’m not looking for special treatment here. I just think it is ridiculous to drive 20 minutes to and from the allergist's office, wait to get the shot from Mr. Happy or one of the women whose love for the job pours out of their pores…and then wait 20 more minutes not to die. I’ll sign whatever waiver or hold harmless clause they want, because I’m pretty goddamn sure that when I die, it ain’t gonna be from an allergy shot. It is far more likely that I will die by lethal injection, in jail, because I killed Mr. Happy.