Off-put THIS

Given my hypomanical personality, I imagine that there are numerous people who are angry at me, disappointed in me or nursing a case of hurt feelings I’ve caused. Right off the bat, I can think of at least six people who fall into one or more of those categories.

Guess what? I don’t give a shit. You know why? I have many talents, but mind-reading isn’t one of them. So if you would rather nurse your grudges or put a sling on your fragile emotions than risk having a conversation with me, knock yourself out.

My therapist, Annie Sullivan, pointed out just last week that I can be “off-putting” when I’m angry. Wow, Annie, I bet you graduated first in your social work class. So...what? I’m supposed to rein in my anger? Make it nice and pretty for you? Call it off-putting if you want. I call it taking responsibility for myself, and I’m happy to do it.

That’s right. I’m happy to take responsibility for myself. But read closely, folks, because this is where it gets tricky: I’ll do it for me, not for you. Doing it for you is your frigging job. And, if you choose to do nothing about your issue(s) with me, at least own the fact that you’re walking around with an empty nut-sac [or whatever the female equivalent of that is]. Do not play the victim. In the film world, that performance may make you an Oscar winner. In my world, it makes you a pathetic loser.

Maybe you just need a different word than the “C” word. No, no, no. Not that “C” word. The "confront" word. Clearly, it is way too loaded for most people. How about we say “talk”? Or “share”? Or “Rosebud,” for Christ’s sake, if it makes you feel better.

It makes no difference to me. I’m not afraid of the “confront” word. In fact, I hold myself to the same standards I’m asking you to sign on for. If I’m pissed, hurt or disappointed--hell, even if I’m having a positive feeling, infrequently as that may happen--nine times out of 10 you’ll know it pretty damn quickly. Ironically, the longer I hold onto my feelings, the harder it is for me to “Rosebud” you.

I like to compare this phenomenon to a penis’s refractory period. You know how, when guys are young, they can be back in the proverbial saddle more quickly than when they are older? Well, when my feelings are “young,” they are easy come, easy go [again]. When they get “older”--when I hold onto them too long--it is more difficult for me to get them out. Worse, I can’t pretend, even a little bit, that everything is A-okay between us.

Jeez. I just re-read what I wrote and now I’m worried that all of this was way too scary for you. Wow. I sure hope not. I’d be so, so very sorry if I was “off-putting.”